Breaking News... sort of (satire)

It seems that Donna Shalala, president of Miami University ("the U"), was not at the game against Florida International, the infamous "brawl game." Shalala had previously said that she was at the game, and that is why she did not need to review the tape in order to dole out the "severe" punishment of a 1 game suspension to 13 Miami players.





Instead of attending the game Shalala was working her second job at the wizarding bank, Gringotts - made famous by being the institution Harry Potter keeps his fortune. The wizard's bank does not seem to to keep conventional banking hours, which is why the bank was open late on a Saturday. Much maligned for the lack of severity in the punishment of the players, Shalala wanted to keep her ties to the wizarding community secret, so she claimed to be at the aforementioned game. The manager at Gringotts revealed that Shalala plans on keeping her job at the bank, so any further incidents during Miami football games will be far from her watchful eyes and almost certain to result in the under-punishment of the players.